The Only Time I am Remiss

Everything about moving to Vermont has been a relief. No traffic. Less sucky drivers (who knew VTers LOVE to cut people off?) A yard. With TREES! and a POND! and 100+ acres where the only sound is that of the wind through the surrounding trees. It's like the first full day here we were purified of all dirty ol' Boston's putrescence with one sigh and inhale of fresh VT air. Well, everything is great except for one thing.

My beau is taking off for an unexpected trip tonight until next week. Getting the house to yourself is a treat! Yay!

There's just one tiny thing. If we were still living in Boston, I could call the random people I know to find someone to go out for a drink. I could call some ladies over and watch a movie. Here...it's just me. I do not usually feel lonely as most often, I relish the time I get alone since I'm so busy and surrounded by people all day. When alone time is comprised of more than 2 days, my alone time gets satisfied and then I want to stretch and fit in people. Just a few. Here and there. People with whom I like to spend time. People I shun and scorn all the rest of the time (ha! but y'all know I only shun and scorn the ones I love).

I know people here, but not anyone with whom I can just hang out or call up on short notice to come over and who... actually CAN! Most people I know here are married, pregnant, have children, are busy (that's not really new) or are set in their ways and feel less like making an effort for someone new. Oh, fortuna! Damn you your karma!  Sometimes in Boston I would rue the acquaintances I had, complain of how much time I spent with people I deemed only "semi-friends." And here I am, longing for just that - semi friends. Acquaintances. The random hodge podge of people you collect over time over a shared interest, through a friend of a friend, or randomly met at the local coffee shop.

I think the nearest coffee shop is 20 minutes away...I think my friends and semi-friends are even further ....

ma mere

My mom slowly eased one foot after the other down the front stairs. Often it was hard to remember she was in pain and needed knee surgery, but as she hobbled around her parked car, I remembered. My mom; short and plump, solid and loud and always so there in our lives, seemed vulnerable and small. She got to the driver's side door and looked up to smile at me. A gust of wind lifter her hair off her face and up off her shoulders. Hair blowing, a smile on her face, she gave a small wave. For a moment, there was her young self, looking careless and happy. She slipped into the driver's seat and started up the driveway. Her car disappeared up the drive then turned at the end to go up the street. I stood at the door looking up the driveway where she had left.

Up Up and Away

I am going to gripe here. To play the victim. To ... WHINE, if you will. Needless to say, some of this is misplaced and based on inaccuracies.  BUT. I'm griping so I am not limiting myself to "facts." I will let it all out.

Of late, my "friends" and I do not often see each other. We are all displaced throughout the NewEngland states (some a bit further). Recently, we've all been together, like the good ol' days, has been at... WEDDINGS. At the last wedding, with only two single ladies left in the group, the refrain most heard was, "Who's going to get married next so we can get together again? Have a party again?" I rolled my eyes and laughed.

I am no longer laughing.

Because you see, I thought I had something as important to celebrate. And thought to myself, yes, an excuse for a party AND we can all get together. AND it won't be about babies (though they were welcome at the party because I wanted everyone possible at this wedding and am not totally blind to life changes) or weddings. Instead it will be about dedication, personal struggle, overcoming hardships and succeeding, and ... getting old. What better reasons to celebrate than turning the big 3-0 AND graduating with a Masters degree? All within two weeks of each other? Invitations were sent out a month in advance, some earlier to those who may have had to make flight arrangments or plan for sitters or hotels, etc...

The day of the party dawned. I eagerly waited at the party grounds, anticipating the arrival of friends and family. Who showed up? The majority of the guests were my family. From my college friends, ONE person came, from high school ONE person came, and from Boston ONE couple came. I was not disappointed in the people who came. I am lucky that they were there and they made me feel so loved and special and I was blessed to be celebrating with them. We had a wonderful time, played in the sun, and ate good food.

However, was it shocking to see the lack of my "friends" there? Yes. Was I a bit sad that others I had really hoped to see were not there? Yes. Was it uncalled for that I thought the missing "friends" would at least CALL or send an EMAIL with their regards or wishes or love? I guess so.

So right now I just feel glum and pissed. Glum that I didn't get to see my friends, pissed that they like to think they'd get together for "other reasons" but in reality, won't or "can't" or whatever the hell else, pissed that weddings and babies are all I have to look forward to, it seems, in terms of celebrating. That seems really lame ... and depressing as I don't think I'll be doing either one of those things any time soon.

or EVER.

When Did Trying Get So Hard

Now that I am making it a point to exercise more, eat a little less and a little better, I realize how much effort it takes to just stay healthy. I'm not even trying to lose weight, of which I won't unless I make more of an effort for a daily calorie deficit (and I'm not ready to try THAT hard, not yet. did you know you need a 3500 weekly deficit to lose 1 pound? ONE FREAKIN' POUND). I'm talking maybe to firm up and stay the size I am.

I'm trying to increase my activity level from walking for at least 1-2 hours, 5 days a week to that PLUS 1-2 nights of 1.5 hrs of yoga class and possibly adding 4-6 times for running about 3 miles. WTF?!? This sounds crazy even to me. This FEELS hard to me. I've only managed to add 2-3 times running and the yoga. I've cut down on portions, too. Luckily (or not) I don't own a scale, so I'm not yet sure how all this is doing for me. I can say I FEEL better, healthier, especially since I started yoga. It's only been about two weeks though, so as for physical evidence of my hard work, there may not be any yet. THAT IS FRUSTRATING! I want results, NOW. INSTANTLY. If I'm going to do all this and possibly not see ANY difference, then what is the point?! The point, as I said, is I have to do all this in order to do just that - stay the same weight and shape I am now. In - freakin' - credible.

This is what "getting older" is all about I just never thought ... I'd really start getting older! My exterior looks exactly the same as it did at age 16 so of course I take it for granted that my interior is going to remain the same too. Oooooh no. Wrong. I guess I'll slowly start to decrease and minimize and deteriorate on the inside until one day, unknown to anyone (unless I start scheduling those yearly physicals), I just keel over and die.

Not One Of Them

Please don't let me become a crazy librarian who is constantly giving a talk aloud
update on what she is doing. To no one.

And Once Upon A Time

"This behaviour might seem virtuous, but it's based on deeply ingrained habits of self-denial."

how much of what I do and who I am is to be good, to be nice, to do the right thing and how much is really self effacement? Self-denial? I'm not sure ...

I Can Read Your Mind

There is something so satisfying about making a spot on book recommendation.

At first it seems like making an educated guess. Usually it is a book I've read, possibly loved and held dear as a good read. So you hand over that name, hoping a new connection can be made between the new reader and this treasured title.

Then I wait.

And maybe a few days or a few weeks later, I see the person coming back and cringe inwardly, not knowing their response to the book. I wait, expectantly, hoping it worked out. And this time, it did.

With every success, I feel the excitement of being a reader and know the other person feels that way, too. This is part of my job. I LOVE it.

Moi Bonita

Exchange between me and a Spanish speaking woman, also a customer, in Salvation Army:


Her: Where did you get those? (in reference to the cute polka dot heels in my hand) So cute.

Me: From the window display. Where did that dress go you had in your arms?

Her: Oh, it didn't fit me. It might work for you. You've got a tush.

Me: I know! I've tried telling people I've got one, and they're always like, "Where?" (pointing to my butt) And I say, "Right here! How can they not see it?"


Very validating moment. Because indeed, this baby got back.*

People are ... deceived by my smallness. They assume that means everything about me is small. And heck, put me next to a woman who is 5'10" and 170 and of course I look small. But I'm just smallER than bigger framed people. My butt in general is NOT small. It's not huge either. I'd like to think of it as a nice handful. The kind of butt men turn to stare at, my beau likes to spank, and I like to see in lacy undies. It's a good butt.

I'm grateful for it.




*In 6th grade I went to my first and only summer camp. It was in town at my school, probably affordable for my parents and easy for transportation since I rode my bike. At the time, my friend was there too, girl named Alice. For the talent show at the end of camp we made up a dance to the song, Baby Got Back. I look back at it and cannot beLIEVE the counselors let us do this dance to that song. The whole thing was kind of like the song and dance number of Lindsey Lohan's character and the Plastics in Mean Girls. Disturbingly sexual and awkwardly out of place for the setting. Luckily, we didn't have costumes.

There Was A Whisper and This is What it Said

Thanks for every single time you ever fell in love.

Whether or not it was obvious. Whether or not it lasted. And whether or not you were loved back.

It changed everything.

You changer,
The Universe

All that and then some

On and around the job -

A spider fell out of a spout for a bottle of liquid sugar into my coffee.

The door to the bathroom didn't lock properly, and I was exposed to a teacher.

I was "solicited" as a substitute twice, both times in whispered, hushed conversation. Subs are hot commodities in these here parts.

Who would ever want to look at this cover? LOOK AT THOSE EYES. Kids are READING this series...beyond me.


What a day.

One is Silver and the Other is Brown

Found my first grey hair yesterday. Definitely on my way to turning thirty.

Give Away Your Heart Every Time

"maybe you've already heard that I really like life. like more than a friend. i say it all the time, and it seems simple enough, but like anything else, could probably use a little explanation. i remember years ago reading The Brothers Karamazov and getting to the point where alyosha says (i think to ivan, but i might be wrong, it's been a while) something like I believe everyone should love life more than anything else in the world. and it sounds almost funny but i think it makes so much sense.

every day i try to pay attention to the things that make me happy. on days when i need a little extra help, i write them down because otherwise i'm likely to dwell more on the things that aren't so good. but most days i don't need to write them down, i just notice and it kind of propels me through the things i have to do that maybe aren't my favorite. i don't mind getting up early every day for work, because i wake up early to cats asleep on my legs, and sometimes to my favorite kind of toast for breakfast and i don't mind not really having money to out to eat or to the bar or shopping when i know the library is full of audio books to listen to while i knit, knitting books teach me new tricks, and a fiction section with probably thousands of books i haven't read or even heard of.

when you really start noticing how many things in your day-to-day life you actually like, it gets almost funny that there can be so many, and that they can be so minute. i like the way my floor looks after i sweep it. i like when i wake up before my alarm. i like when i can feel the weather changing, and i like the first day that i need to wear tights and a sweater. i like walking to the bus station different ways in the morning sometimes. i like when both my cats sit in the window at the same time because i think it looks like they are on a date.

i think it's nice to look at life like this, in terms of like instead of dislike. and i think it empowers you to change the things that you maybe don't like as much, because it's sort of less overwhelming. so i guess that's what i mean, about loving life. it's not that everything is all that perfect, although i do realize i have it a little easier than a lot of people in the world. but i think it could be important for anyone to at their day like that, really. i dare you to make a list of everything you like on any given day. and i dare you to make a list of things you don't like and then see how you can make them better, or how you can work around them. and i double dare you to make a list of things that you're afraid to do and do one a week, or one a month, or one as often as you can stand it, because it's such a big deal to do what you're afraid to be doing."

- from the zine Nothing Rhymes Issue #4

I felt such a kinship to this girl's words and her outlook, I had to share them in full. if you're interested in seeing her whole zine, you can't Boo! She has gone out of the bizniz...

New Career Aspiration

Job title: Explorer in Residence

Inspiration and mentor: Robert Ballard

Don't Cry For Me, Argentina

bike rack = $20

back light = $15

front light attachment piece = who knows, maybe $1, but without it, the actual light is USELESS

bike frame = FREE

parts to make bike work = $65

bike seat (from my road bike, Specialized, and for long rides) = $90

Total cost of shit ass commuter bike = $190

Cost of Erikka thinking it's ok to leave even a broken bike somewhere unchained in Jamaica Plain = $190.00

Cost of Erikka now not having 1) a bike and 2) a seat for my OTHER bike so 3) I really have NO BIKE = BIGGEST PAIN IN THE ARSE

And all this also means 4) I have no way of getting around without having to pay for the T or the bus and that means 5) being near...PEOPLE...when there's H1N1 around. Let alone just regular or colds and flus and other yuckiness that happens at this time of year. Ack!

It's my fault. And I'm not looking for sympathy for doing something as naive and idiotic as I did. However, I will say one thing and one thing only to vent - stealing my bike was like stealing someone's car. Maybe not monetarily, but in all other aspects. My bike is my main mode of tranportation. It is the way I get to and from work and school. And sadly, I didn't have bike insurance (is there such a thing?) so no, I'm not getting anything back to put toward a new bike seat or a new, crappy commuter bike.

That's it. Now I'll just let go and move on because sadly the bike is gone. I can't do anything about it. But just let me see my bike being ridden around JP ... oh man... that person better watch out. Though in reality, I imagine someone is tearing it apart...piece by piece...to sell or use for other bikes. That just really makes me sad.

How Come You Never Buy Me Flowers?

If and when I get married, I hope I remember that I don't want a bouquet. I'll figure out something else to do with my hands and with the $300 I save on flowers.

More Lessons From 4 yr Olds

Adventures never cease on the farm. I keep learning more and more about children (and oddly, about myself, my parents). The enthusiasm of which 4 yr olds are capable, the constant energy they have through out the day is amazing. Kudos to parents, who unlike me, don't get to return these little bundles of joy at the end of the day. Because I have to admit, though I love each of them as if they were mine for the hours we share, I am so relieved when I get to return to my childless apartment. Perhaps someday that sentiment may change...I just can't imagine not having that 10+ hour time to recooperate between working!

Here's a few more things I've remembered about being 4 yrs old -

1. Catching frogs, with a net, is HARD (and I'm not 4!)

2. Playing in the sprinkler is fun

3. Killing things is part of learning

4. Getting naked in public is NO BIG DEAL

5. Jumping in puddles and getting dirty = the best day ever

6. Finding sticks, rocks, clay, ANYTHING to keep and bring home is like finding hidden treasure

and finally

7. Always have a buddy to hold your hand, it just feels nice


Sadly one of my favorite little campers last days at camp was this past Friday. She's been the one child to show me the fruition of being a parent - greeting me every morning by running adn throwing herself at me as soon as she was within five feet, never crying even though she fell or got scratches, being curious and adventurous, and always brave. All day, I gave her sad faces and sad eyes, hugged her a little more, and cherished holding her, little fair skinned hand that much more (and she is quite fair skinned). At one point, as we waited for her mother to come get her, I grabbed her in a bear hug and said remorsefully, "We're not going to see each other again, Louisa!" With a maturity exceeding my own, she replied, "I'll be back next year. We can eat lunch together."

Til then Louisa.

Simple and sweet

"Marriage is a contract. Love...love is a completely other thing. You don't have to be married to experience love."

- Broken English (movie)

Lessons from a 4 yr old

This summer I'm working part time as a counselor at a farm's summer program. The campers are between 3-11 years old. I'm working with the 4 year olds. Having spent time recently with a 5 year old (my sweet as pie and so adorable you could eat him nephew Riley), I thought I had this down pat. Here are some things I forgot from when he was 4 -

1. they walk slow, I mean, SLOW

2. they can't all wipe their own asses

3. they get distracted after about 1 minute of you trying to talk "seriously" to them, about anything

4. small things are HUGE to them ie feelings, bugs, trees, experiences

5. they do not lie, they are "making up stories"


These are just a few things I've been taught in the past three days.

I'd also like to share this one incident that completely struck me because I could SO relate to this particular 4 year old reaction -

A little girl was waiting for her mother to pick her up at the end of the day (which is 12:30 pm, f**k yah!). She was spinning around in happy circles on the grass. When she happened to stop, and saw her father coming towards her, she burst out crying. Literally, no 'Hi Daddy' or pause for questions, just instant tears. Her father quickly tried to explain he thought this might happen as he and the mother in question had not had time to figure out who could pick up the little girl and hence could not tell the little girl who would be there.

Yes, I could relate to the little girl's reaction. No, I do not instantly burst into tears when my expectations are not met, but damn do I WANT to! Wouldn't it be nice to just sob and weep uncontrollably if and when we are disappointed or completely thrown off? For instance, I remember this time my beau and I went to see a movie. Of course I can't remember the title, but at the time, I'd gotten so excited to see this movie. And it was a prequel or a sequel or something long waited for, by both of us. We got there and found out all three cinemas showing it were SOLD OUT! I was SO disappointed...and I could not just let it go. I moped all night long. Whined so much I annoyed even my beau. If I'd burst into tears, maybe I could have moved on faster....who knows.

Bye Bye Hair

About a year ago when I first considered cutting my hair, I decided I would donate it to LocksofLove. I studied short hair cuts, found a a few cute ones, was all ready...and never followed through. I just couldn't cut my long long hair. Some weird attachment formed and I couldn't see myself without my long hair, I couldn't identify my feminitity without my long hair.

Since when I could have hair, I had long hair. From grades kindergarten to sophomore year of high school, I had long hair. From
sophomore year of high school (1996) until...2003, I had varying lengths of short hair from pixie/boy cut to shoulder length, Jennifer Anniston's bob from Friends hair. From 2003 until a few days ago, I'd let my hair grow out again, and it was below boob length - a pretty good length for achieving that sexy pin up look of covering them with hair and nothing else.

Finally I followed through with that long ago promise of donating my hair to LocksofLove. The day I did it, I had no plans of cutting 9.5 inches of my hair off, only a trim! But I walked in, asked how much was needed, and since it would still leave me with almost shoulder length hair, I thought, meh, why not?! I am still a woman. I still feel feminine. However, I do look different. I didn't realize how easy it was to achieve a simple, elegant look with long hair. Right now I look more sporty and bookish. At the beach the other day, my beau told me I looked like a surfer girl.

Here's what it looks like just down with no styling -


Anyone have any mid-length hair tips, tricks or styles I can try?

It will grow back...

Where did May go?

Life is still interesting, I go on adventures, I'm reading a ton of good books. However, it's not noteworthy, earth shattering stuff. Life has been a series of dull moments mixed with sweet, hopefully memorable moments. I say hopefully because the memory seems to let go of the little, tender things before more horrific or extraneous memories. Unless the memory is of song lyrics from 1994, my memory don't evah let go of those.

Sigh.

I'll try to pull myself here more often, to write, to just say something. But I feel the whole pull of finding a gimmick for myself (ie. Go Green, CSA shares, blah blah blah) has been DONE! Is DONE! Why re-do it? Just as my mind struggles to find something to write about for a book some day, I can't even think of anything to write here, for an audience (maybe, if y'all haven't left for good)

Today is a new day.

Tonight there is a meeting and discussion in my town on what are, functions, and how to create Common Security Clubs. My town is pretty liberal, eco-minded, and full of yim yams, hippies, artists, and tree huggers, so this idea or something like it may already be happening. I'm always interested in the crowd these meetings draw too, and I scan the faces for some like my own, for peers, just to know there are others out there. It be great to know more people my age in my neighborhood, to actually meet and talk with them, maybe break bread. I feel like these meetings are a good place to start.