It's funny how we learn "lifes' lessons" sometimes. When you were convicted and sent to jail, I didn't really feel anything. Of course there was remorse for you and your fate, but I felt I was not directly impacted, like we were removed from each other enough and for so long that it was sort of ... not enough to get through any de-sensitization I have built up. Then I go and watch a 45 minute t.v. show that leaves me crying and thinking of you with a new perspective. There's some shame in admitting that, but more ... recognition that at least I know this now, and am thankful I do. My actions will change from here on.
Whether you did or did not do what you were convicted for, I hope you will serve whatever time you have to, get out of there and never go back. A t.v. show probably only conveys HALF of the dehumanizing conditions of jail, and the goings on there - to imagine what the reality is, I can't even conceive. For anyone to have to live in those mind numbing conditions while trying to maintain their sanity and some semblance of normalcy seems ... daunting. And with no visitors, no letters, and no contact with anything from the outside world, it would be that much harder.
Now I understand how special it is (and also how hard it probably is for you) that my parents go to visit you. They told me that the other week, that they continue to go while no one else besides your mom and sister do. Again, I didn't really connect with their words; those words and your circumstance did not feel related to me in anyway. Now they do. I'm really proud of them for seeing how important their visits could be for you and again, sad that I did not until now. Who knew that until those you love are taken away from you, or you don't have a choice whether you get to see them or not, how important a single "hello" or a smiling familiar face could be to one's mental health and outlook for the day. How much hope could be contained within something so simple.
There's this myth and I'm sure it's true for some prisons, just not all - that being in jail is like being on vacation: food, a bed, clothes, an education all paid for by American tax dollars. Sure, for the "lucky"people who land in those jails, yeah, that's a really "rough" time. However, after watching this t.v. show, the majority of jails are NOT those mythical places and most prisoners are not treated to luxuries. I feel frustrated and angry that you, and others like you, are "rotting away" in jail supposedly to "learn from your mistakes." Some people completely alone and forgotten, lost in the machine of the prison system, others biding their time to get out to reconnect with people, and possibly land back in jail quicker than they left it. If what you and they did was so WRONG, how are you learning to change your behaviors? How are you being taught something new, the RIGHT thing or the RIGHT way to live?
Instead of teaching or rehabilitating inmates, it looks like most of the time inmates are just left to their own devices. Can anyone really imagine what that feels like - 8+ hours a day to fill, day after day, year after year? At first that may sound great, like wow, I can do ANYTHING and have NO responsibilities. But after the novelty wore off, anyone would grow bored. And then take that out of the "real world" where people have freedom to choose from COUNTLESS ways to fill that time, and put that into a small confined area where there is 1) tv 2) maybe books 3) cards or games 4) working out 5) writing a letter or 6) sleeping ...how "fun" or freeing or productive is that? Six choices or less. SIX CHOICES to fill years of time. I'd like to see critics of prison GED and higher education programs really think about that prospect, try to imagine themselves in that position, and see how fast they would BEG for the chance to do SOMETHING with their time. And something productive, holy s**t, EVEN BETTER!
Right, L, I'm spinning off into the politics of prison and forgetting you. You in prison. You in this very difficult situation and lifestyle. I want you to know I am going to write you some letters, on a regular basis. I'm not sure I could come see you...if I could be strong enough to do that for you... so I'll start there, by writing to you. I won't expect you to write back, if you do, great. But I will try to remember that this ritual is not about me, or about writing, but that it is about you. And giving you one little connection to something outside of the place you find yourself in now.
I think you get to go outside, so you get to see the sky and grass and the environment - I hope that nourishes your soul a little. It is not enough and probably not a lot of time spent out in it (and I kind of picture a concrete gravel yard that you spend outside time in, so how "natural" is that, how nourishing?), but it is a reminder that you are NOT ALONE. You are NOT completely separate from the world. You may feel like the world is going on around you, not with you in it, but you are still a part of the cycle. What you do in there matters. And it will matter when you get out, too, and come back to your family and try to move on with your life.
What you do matters. Every little choice, action, word MATTERS.
Take care, L, you'll hear from me soon.
Love,
E
