There is a big decision looming in my future. At first, this decision seemed easy to make, a no brainer:
I want to change my career + I’ve wanted to pursue education and working with youth + in MA you need a degree and certification = go to graduate school.
The process of applying and researching schools started about five months ago. I got this excitement and hope for my future for which I’ve been longing. My brother steered me in a direction I hadn’t considered, Library and Information Science, which turned out to be a better fit for me than being a classroom teacher. Filling out forms is something I like to do, so I went at my applications and had them complete in no time. Easy. Done. Submitted three months ago. Then what? Wait.
The wait is over. The results are in. I have been accepted into two graduate programs for Library and Information Science, one at Simmons College the other at the University of Rhode Island. All I have to do is pick one and come fall of ’08, I am a student again. Learning is one of my top five favorite things to do. My time in school was rewarding. Yet the idea of going back to school is not quite appeasing all of my mind…and the usual relief and rush of excitement at finally knowing the future for at least the next step is not happening.
I’ve told a few people about this plan, but not many beyond my family for various reasons. There was no intention of leaving it out of my blog, it just wasn’t part of the strand that has been weaving through my blog of late. But maybe even that was a subconscious sign. How could changing my entire way of life NOT be something on my mind every day? So I have to admit, the lack of sharing this and getting excited is because of one reason –
Fear
Instead of talking about it too much, the fear has found its expression through other means, mostly my dreams. Every night for the past month or so, I’ve woken up in the wee hours, my mind instantly cataloging necessary changes I will need to make, calculating debt and financial costs for living and going to school, and just a huge amount of anxiety at really doing any of it. And when I’ve tried talking about this with my beau, I can’t even put into words what is driving my anxiety, why I feel so afraid of this decision…so I can’t brainstorm solutions or assuage my anxious mind. Talking about it just makes me feel worse somehow.
It’s the not knowing. Not knowing where my money will come from, other than loans. It’s not knowing if I will have a job come 2010 when I graduate. It’s knowing I will be in school until 2010!!!! It is knowing I will be 30 when I graduate. It’s knowing life will sort of be on hold while I spend two years getting a piece of paper that will allow me to move on to the next step in my career that I cannot take without that piece of paper. It is knowing that everyone else I know will still be moving forward with their lives like regularly schedule programs to which I will be tuned out of for a while. And what about my old self who said, “I won’t go to grad school unless someone pays for me!” or “I don’t want to be in school again. It’s too disconnected from LIFE.” Those feelings are probably part of what is making me balk at the very idea of me going back to school...doi.
And after rambling and letting out the doubts I’m still faced with the unanswerable question –
Do I really want to do this?
The unanswerable question that comes with its own set of anxieties to which I have no solutions to, either. If I don’t go to school, then what? Continue working where I am, getting no advancement because I have no motivation or ambition in this field, until someone finally admits it and fires me. Get another job…doing what? Where? And who will pay me enough to live comfortably in Boston? In the last year, I received the raise that finally enables me to live and not worry about money. If I start all over again in a new field, I have to start all over at the lowest pay range too, depending on experience.
So. This is really what has been in the back of mind, at the forefront of my dreams, and silently in all my conversations for some time. I don’t expect the answer to just come to me from writing this post. I feel better just saying it aloud, making my fear and doubts real for myself. Graduate school and taking on more debt are not decisions I should make lightly. Graduate school is not something to just do for the sake of doing. What do I really want?
I have until April 4th to make this decision.
I completely feel for you. I switched my career a few times, it's kind of a joke in my family, but my most recent change has been great. I think it is a matter of deciding what is important to you. For me, I don't care as much about money; I just want to be comfortable and now I love what I do. When you do something you love (or like a lot), you can really feel it. Does that make sense? Good luck on whatever you decide to do.
ReplyDeleteOh, and when I was in law school, I was a research assistant in the law library AND LOVED IT. So I'm a tad bit jealous that you could be getting your MLS. :)
Congratulations! How wonderful that you were accepted to two such great schools!
ReplyDeleteI am a "retired" teacher. Since I had my kids and I am now a library regular, I have often thought that I may have a future in library science too. For now, I will have to live through you.
Keep us posted on what you choose and best of luck banishing those scary dreams.
Congrats! Getting into two schools is awesome!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you have so much anxiety over it (understandably).
I'm really good at talking myself out of things I want if I don't think I'll be able to do them for one reason or another. Maybe if you sit down and crunch numbers and list out your concerns, it'll free you up to think about whether you actually want this. Maybe a lot of the things that are running around in your head could be resolved more easily than it seems. It's worked for me a couple of times.
No matter what you decide, relish the fact that you are so awesome that you got into two grad schools.
I have no advice. I just wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteLike Noelle, I have no advice to offer, however, I do think this is exciting. Congrats on whatever you decide, and good for you, dammit!
ReplyDeleteI say 'go for it'. Easy for me to say, I know - but if it's really what you want, don't let fear stop you. Everything will find a way to work itself out, even the loans, if it's really what you want.
ReplyDeleteYou're a smart girl - you'll make the best decision for yourself!
Best of luck.
I don't wish to sway your decision, but Simmons has an excellent library program. I loved it. At the same time, I wouldn't encourage you to do it if you're really not sure it's what you want- it's a great school, but also an expensive school. My one year there cost me more than all four years of undergraduate study combined.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wouldn't worry about how old you'll be when you're done the program. I was definitely one of youngest (I was 26 at the time)- lots and lots of people in the library program were middle aged or older, looking for a career change.
I almost applied to Simmons once upon a time. Le sigh...
ReplyDeleteCongrats on getting accepted to not just one, but two schools. I can understand the anxieties and worries. At least you have a little time to think about it all. If I've learned anything in the last month, it's don't rush decisions. Pros & cons lists help. Trust your gut. When the time is right, the decision will come to you :)
Personally, I say go for it!
Good luck!
There's only one person who can make this decision - you.
ReplyDeleteMy best advice -- the advice I rely on often myself -- TRUST YOUR GUT.
Good luck!
From my 44 yo mom-at-home place, I would encourage you to go for it while you can. Two years is not long. The money is a factor. As someone else said, I'd figure out the money and then you're free to see if this is what you want. That's a degree I would have loved to pursue as well. I hope that your dreams can give you some clarity. That sometimes works for me.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely go for it. Don't let things like money get in the way of the most important thing, happiness. It's always worth it to take a chance on doing something that you'll love. If it doesn't work out, life will continue on and something new will come along..:-)
ReplyDeleteI know I've talked to you since this post and that you said your anxiety about this has shifted. All I can say is that I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there and trying to make a life change like this. There is always going to be some fear and anxiety associated with doing something like this, if there wasn't, then it wouldn't be so important to you!
ReplyDeleteI know whatever happens in these next couple years that you will be able to make it. Remember when you first moved to Boston, working 3 jobs to pay rent and live? I know you have the ability to survive :)
Besides, you have me and Jason, your family and other friends who are always going to be here to support you however we can.