Chun Li vs. Vampire Monster Thing

My bad morning turned into a neurotic day yesterday, a day where I felt like I was clashing with everything and everyone around me. Not like, physically in hand-to-hand combat style, no, that would have been easier to deal with than the mental trauma I inflicted on myself. No, it was all a psychological battle of wills, me against the dark me.

Wouldn’t it be great to somehow physically combat evil thoughts, anxiety, and stress? Picture it – you against it - it taking on whatever form you would visualize for such a fight – a fight until the death. Me, I would definitely be Chun Li (from Street Fighter). I'd have the spinning fly kick and the ability to throw lightening balls on my side. The 'It' would be a combination of vampire/monster/ugly thing that would usually intimidate or scare me, kinda like this dude here.

If I were the victor, that would be it, no more evil thoughts with which to deal for the day.

Unfortunately, I can’t physically fight them. I can only practice saying the mantras and reminders to myself of hope, light, and strength, one voice to another inside my head. (wow, just realized how this sounds a bit like a split personality disorder…whoops!) Sometimes it works and sometimes I call in re-enforcements in the form of a good friend to go manic on, running, or writing in my journal.

I’ve come to recognize these days when they are happening (oh, say, once a month or so…if that’s any clue) and the influences on me that cause my feelings to be out of whack. And to voice what is going on to those around me. This last part has been the most eye opening and helpful part of this emotional roller coaster experience. I feel out of sorts, like the world is against me. As soon as I tell someone, like a disclaimer for my weirdness, they usually reply something like ‘oh, I didn’t know anything was wrong. I don’t think you’re being negative.’ Oh. So this really is all in my head? Damn.

Two things I was so very thankful for yesterday were Christine’s responses to my blathering, bumbling emails and to Jason’s patience and love. I’m still new at being in an intimate relationship. This is the first time I have lived with a significant other and he is only my second serious relationship. When I start feeling twisted and crazy, I’m not really sure how to let even my friends in, let alone this person who shares my living space, holds me when I cry, and kisses me each day. Trust, that’s what conquers that fear and I think last night was another step in building a stronger foundation of trust between Jason and I. As we lay snuggled in bed, I told him how I felt estranged from him during this time of the month and couldn’t recognize if it was really him being distant or just my feelings displaced to him. It was…cathartic to formulate these words and say them out loud because that is how I truly feel. The words came so easily to me when I usually have to struggle for them. I did then follow them up with some more verbal diarrhea because I am a bit nervous when sharing such things. I even said something like I want to make sure you don’t hate me when this happens.

Jason laughed then kissed me. He said, Erikka, I love you.

At the end of the day, words like these can kick the crap out of any vampire monster I dream up.




On to some lighter topics -

1. Searching for an image of Chun Li to use showed me some of her in very scandalous outfits and coy postures. Guys, seriously? Cartoon women turn you on?

2. The picture at the end is by an artist named Luke Chueh that I again randomly found while searching for an image. Check out his other art. They are funny, but very...heart rending at the same time, using childlike images to invoke this deep sadness of an innocent nature.

3. This week-end my college girlfriends and are converging in the Maine woods to cook, eat, drink, and reminisce. It will be refreshing to get out of Boston and see some trees, pick some apples, talk about girl stuff, and have naked pillow fights. Because that's all girls do when they have sleep overs - naked pillow fighting.

fyi - I'm the one with the big ol' grin. Ha! not really, but she does look so happy.