The Work Paradox

With a snide remark, a friend turned my world upside down. We were chatting on the phone and he asked me something about my current attitude toward work. I began to answer, but he quickly interrupted me with the following comment – “So and so said you don’t do anything. There’s a rumor among everyone else that you’re the ‘person who doesn’t do anything.’” Inside, I felt my stomach clench, my mind freeze, and my anxiety rise. He even went on to challenge me to tell him what I am working on, and I defended myself…meekly and fumblingly since I was called out without warning. Because the real fear I faced with his statement was –do people know?

A little back story –

#1. The friend on the phone lives with one of my co-workers, “so and so” if you will. I actually set them up because one had to get out of a place and the other needed someone to move in by the same date. This connection is how there is a bit of credibility to his words. Plus, So and So is someone I often complained to about not liking my job and even with whom I discussed escape plans. To hear how my words and ideas got distorted from him to my other friend disturbs me. I won’t be talking so and so’s ear off again anytime soon.

#2. I dislike my job. Most people would call me crazy for not wanting to stay in my position. My job allows me flexibility of schedule, working from home, some days off, summer hours, casual office attire, finally a live-able wage, and the ability to leave the office at 5 pm and leave the work and stress behind me. However, I take no reward or satisfaction from the actual work of my job. I dread the thought of another day spent staring at my computer screen for 7.5 straight hours. The only real people I am guaranteed to talk with and see are my co-workers. Otherwise, authors usually exist as email addresses or online bios. I do not edit work often; but then again, we’re in between semesters, so in the Fall I will be slammed with work to proofread; I do not get to read manuscripts. I hire people. I maintain a budget. I make sure they get me the material on time and I put it into production in a timely manner. (and hopefully in the right format) Lots of paperwork. Lots of files to maintain. Lots of email correspondences to keep up. The work is not terrible, but it is not exciting and engaging to me either.

Here is a sample of a work day –

1. return'd phone messages to vendor
2. attended text cover design meeting
3. attempted to print out Guide pages, no printer working!!!!
4. Emailed Prod. about Guide paperwork
6. Worked out issue with text #2 tech files for editor
7. Sent art projects to contributor for marking out hers and getting student info.
8. Quick edit of eSurveys for text #3
9 email'd author 2 about creating online content for text #4
10 sent author 3 one last SG review
11 cut and paste review summary
12. Sent release form to five supplement authors for text #4
13. Fixed author 4’s contract shipment address.



How much time should the above activities take? This was one day’s work for me, a day where I was actually trying to do my job and not waste as much time. (and in my defense, I do feel the need to defend, the cut and paste review summary is not a quick activity. It involves taking each reviewer’s answers and putting them into one document.) I kept my personal email checking to a minimum and my internet time wasting almost null and void.

Regardless of whether or not the rumor is true, or to whom I am explaining myself, I have to face the fact that the image he described is precisely the one I am presenting. How many times have I said to someone “Oh, I should be working” or “Yeah I have work, but I’d rather do _______” or some other offhand comment of laissez faire-ness about my job? A few times and comments like those are seen as stress relievers and sarcastic references to how hard someone is actually working. In retrospect, made as often as I have made them, they are seen as the words of a lazy, do nothing.

More important than defending myself here is examining why I feel the need to defend myself. The answer is – I am not doing as much as I could be doing. I intersperse “my work” with checking my personal email, going to Facebook, MySpace, or any number of blogs that I check on a regular basis. I could be doing more. I want to care about this job enough to make me ask for more work. BUT I DON’T!!! I want to do the minimum. I only want to wear 15 pieces of flair, not 36!!! I am coasting by and this is so not me! Every day I feel myself get a little sadder at the person I am becoming at work. And I feel more and more discouraged that I will not move on from here on my terms - leaving a good, possible reference in my wake. (there will probably be a big F on my file. F for FIRED)

His comment comes with ironic timing. Within the last two weeks or so, I have been trying to do my job. This does not mean I do not email, surf the net, or spend time writing blogs, but it does mean I keep a conscious watch on the time I spend doing so to make sure I get the boxes all checked off on my TO DO list I make every evening. My effort is to sustain myself, my position, and hopefully my morale until I find the next step in my career path or it is made known to me which way to go. Because I am losing sight of where to turn. What to try. Who I am. And what I wanted to be when I grew up.