This is the rhythm of my life.

When I first moved to Boston, the album to my new life there was a Boards of Canada cd. The mellow, yet playful beats matched the rhythm of the city, the rhythm of me walking across the Mass Ave bridge on my way home, and the feeling of yearning and accomplishment inside me. I'd left behind my non-profit, non-PAYING (at least not enough to live on), NH based life for the "big city." The publishing world allowed me into its ranks and I felt almost ... cosmopolitan about myself, my job, and the life I was living. On the flipside, I was still ... yearning for something. At the time I didn't know what I was yearning for, or maybe I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

Thanks to a great friend, Rebekah, and her seriousness about enneagram numbers I can finally say this about myself and not feel ... BAD about it. I am The Helper and The Enthusiast after all. I can say this and realize it is a worthy and valid feeling. Actually special and something to be supported and cherished.

I was yearning to be loved.

Cheesy, but ... true. I was yearning to be loved, to be accepted in all ways, and to be fully known. This yearning was expressed in almost everything I did. So weird to look back at it now and SEE myself thrown into activities and people in search of love. I even joined a Bible group!!! Because who is more loving and who knows all and sees all more than the big G-D? And you know what I took away from that experience - the fact that I couldn't let G-D love me. That it was hard for me to believe that anyone, even a nonexistent supposedly altruistic and all loving being such as G-D, could ever love me.

Poor little flower.

Ironic that one in  search of love would then cast it off or push it away blindly. But yeah, that's me. F**ked up. :-)  However, I think my Bible group and the people in the group, and the above realization allowed me to move on from that knowledge. Interesting to think that it took G-D (and perhaps G-D acting through the people in my group) to make me realize that even if I didn't think I deserved love, or that anyone could really love ME, G-D would anyway. And so would people. G-D loved me. Period. I couldn't do anything about it even if I tried! And the people around me who loved me, same thing. They were not going anywhere. I could NOT change their feelings. It was freeing.

Yearning slowly subsided. Nervous energy/anxiety abated (in most areas, not all! I'm nowhere near done).

When I hear that Boards of Canada cd, it takes me back to Boston. Back to the energy and excitement of the me who started out there and the me who left there, calmer, fuller and a little more loved.