Humming Along, Singing A Song

Dear Hummer Manufacturers, Engineers, et. al.

Perhaps the first time you realized the creation of a hummer vehicle was possible, you peed your pants in excitement. I'm sure an idea that fills a commodities niche for big time spenders is every business person's dream come true. And with all those endorphins and stimulants racing in your brains and all the work that went into its planning, was there room left in your brain to ask and answer the question - Should we build it? Probably not because as Americans we already learned that "If you build it, they will come." Come they did...as of January 2007 over 120,000 Hummers have been sold all over the world.


You must have done your social research somewhere because you not only created a

Car, I mean a High Mobility Multi-purposed Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV, or Humvee) you created a sub-culture. A status symbol. And a new human fad/reaction for social scientists to study and explain. Thank you Hummer, for filling the need to own the biggest, most powerful, boxiest, and highest gas guzzling car that many people didn't know they had until they saw their first Hummer.

No longer do I need to consider some places in this world "off limits." With a hummer, as the slogan says, I can Boldly go where no else has gone. Polar bears are having trouble finding land and food? Heck, point the way and I'll drive my ass out there and save them! Who knew they had roads in Antarctica? but damn if I won't fly my hummer there and see if I can't try driving on a glacier! Or maybe I can attempt to drive Mt. Washington or Mt. Everest and market a new bumper sticker to proclaim to the world "This Hummer topped the Big W" or the Big E, whichever the case may be. Now that's what I call relaxation and getting back to one's roots - blazing a trail out to the middle of nowhere, parking the hummer, setting up a tent in the trunk, and kicking back with a Coors as I contemplate nature and its beauty to the smooth sounds of P.O.D on the stereo.

The Prius, the Insight, hybrid Honda Civic, and even that new Hybrid Lexus are for sissies! I don't understand why car companies are making their own hybrids and not their own hummers! Hey car people, you're missing out on the big bucks here! Or maybe it's because auto makers are required by law to meet Corporate Average Fuel Economy (CAFE) standards. The current standards require that the average mileage of all the new cars sold by an auto maker should be 27.5 mpg (8.55 liters per 100 km). This means that if an auto maker sells one hybrid car that gets 60 mpg (3.92 liters per 100 km), it can then sell four big, expensive luxury cars that only get 20 mpg (11.76 liters per 100 km). Smart move by the big men on the hill, and my puppet friend in the big ol' white house. Thanks guys for letting me have my toys as big as I want 'em!


Sincerely yours,
Oil Wells Sucker the First