Tame thy Tongue

Recently I’ve noticed I am a defensive person. Any comment that my mind cannot wrap itself around that has a slightly ambiguous tone = “a threat” or a criticism, in my subconscious. My responses are sharp, hedgy, and usually a counter attack, even if only a small one. This is useless stress and negativity.

I am tired of responding in this old habit, one leading to confusion and tension where none need be. The habit was a learned one, so can be unlearned. If I can begin by just stopping, waiting one slight breath before answering or questioning or sending out my negative vibe, I think a ripple effect will follow. Because it only takes a moment for feelings to pass, moods to change, or a different understanding to occur. The mind works so fast and while a beautiful machine, the mind gets too many cookies that jam up downloading information. (I’ve got clean out some of those cookies, but that’s a different blog than this one!)

One woman I found struggling with a similar problem, (a lady over at Walk Lightly, Live Wildly) looked to the Bible and Jesus’ words for strength, support and guidance. While I am not an out and out Christian, I too was able to find comfort in some of the passages she quoted -

Proverbs 17: 27
He who has knowledge spares his words,
And a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.

Luke 6:45
A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Usually the words ‘sin’ and ‘evil’ turn me off from whatever message is intended. The words are just so…big and loaded with years of history and meaning that I feel I can’t find my meaning or relation to them. But when reading these two passages, these words did not mar the meaning at all. Instead, the message was clear. I thought back to times where words came out of my mouth intended to hurt the person with whom I was speaking. Or times where my thoughts grew out of control with misplaced anger and then informed my speech. And in most cases, I’m speaking to someone I love, not in the whole Biblical love thy neighbor sense, but as in either my family or friends. Why would I ever want to hurt them? What am I really feeling when I speak thus?

This is what I want to remind myself from now on – “You (as in me) are talking to someone you love. Speak to them as though you love them.” I know I won’t remember this always because there are times when my patience, resolve or constitution may just not be in a state to recall these kind words to mind. But I can try.

A living example happened yesterday afternoon. A family member called and there was a slight miscommunication going on. I quickly got off the phone after failing to prove my rightness. My mind was brooding, my face was angry, and I could feel my body temperature rising in reflection. I took a breath and kept walking. Slowly, after I’d been walking for about 5 minutes, and the red seething mist of anger dissipated, I could see what my real feelings were – I was hurt my family member had thought badly of me. Realizing this allowed me to call back and settle things peaceably and in a mere matter of moments. Hanging up, I was smiling and I felt light and bouncy once more.

I’ll leave you with words of wisdom from my favorite philosophizer, poet, and writer Goethe (because “…someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong.” – American History X) –


“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration; I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”