Present Moment. Beautiful Moment

I’m not sure how some people do it – live their lives day to day without stress, uncertainty or conflict. The people who do not doubt themselves or go through difficult growing pains. They seem ever confident and sure of what they do and say, meeting each situation head on as it comes. (or are they just good at hiding that other more shadowy part…?) I seem to be constantly changing and evolving and learning about myself, even more so now that I am involved closely with another human being.

Last night I went through a total growing pain. Instead of reacting to the situation that was then currently unfolding, I was reacting to a drama of my making. Displaced feelings were heaped and heaped some more on to this moment, disfiguring myself and morphing the situation into no semblance of what was really going on. The little girl inside me who always gets what she wants and always wants the bright, shiny, awesome anything could not believe she was being denied. Told NO. And had no justifiable answer or reason or argument to change this No to a Yes. (and in the end had to admit, she had no RIGHT to try to make it a Yes) I just could not accept it. So I started taking out my old baggage to see if I could fit this into any of it.

Baggage comes in more shapes and sizes than I realized. Some people lay theirs out, plain for anyone to see because if they’ve got the biggest sized roller bag, how are you going to hide that?!? Depression, anxiety, trust issues, sexual dysfunction. Others have carry-ons - issues harder to see and probably issues they have been working to resolve, so kind of have a grasp on them. And then still more, there’s the stuff in your purse you’ve forgotten is even in there. The stuff squished down at the bottom, almost a part of the purse now. I think this is some of the baggage I pulled out last night.

Only in an intimate relation to someone else can I see this little clutter I didn’t notice before. Not only do I have to learn to tame my tongue and kill with kindness, but I have to learn to respond to the here and now. Not to the here and now as influenced by this similar episode that happened five years ago with my brother’s friend’s cousin Tom. No. To the here and now. To the new situation that arises from being with someone completely separate and different from all those other times.

Is this possible? Could I see without a colored lens, just a clear pane? First, it involves the same step one from taming my tongue – waiting. Secondly, in this waiting, I’ll be able to see my response and eventually understand what is informing it. Which will lead to the most important step of all, step three -“cleaning out my purse.” From learning how and why I respond to situations in certain ways, I can learn NOT to do that anymore. To put those old feelings aside, restate the present situation to myself, and live it. Be in the present moment.