The Work Life Balance

In Massachusetts, the unemployment rate went up from 3,246,100 people in June to 3,285,100 people in July. I appreciate not being included in those numbers. I like health care. I like holidays off. I LOVE vacation. I like having a 9-5, no stress job. However, all this appreciation does not lead to elation nor to a feeling of accomplishment nor to more gratitude in the job I possess. How can I be such an ungrateful wench?

I am. And you know why? Liberal Arts College that's why. At my hippy, love everybody, pot smokin' college (St. Michael's College to be exact http://www.smcvt.edu/) I was taught that I should make the world a better place. For me, that meant non-profits, working in the community, helping real people. Not sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, one of 40 people sitting in a cube farm, project managing expensive college textbooks. They taught me that at work I should be HAPPY and passionate.

This idea is not only toted by herbal smokin' liberals. Motivational speakers toot this horn too. Take this snippet from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - AT WORK:

"...it's ok to be happy, patient, more relaxed and forgiving at work. It's to your advantage...You won't lose your edge or be 'walked on.' You'll feel more inspired, creative, and driven to make an even greater contribution than you do right now. You'll see solutions where others see problems. You will have increased energy, you'll be able to work in 'the eye of the storm,' and because you'll be so level headed, you'll be the one who is looked to when tough decisions need to be made. You will rise to the top."

I am not rising to the top. Instead I am sinking like a fat kid in a pool. Sinking in a sea of wishful thinking, longings to be elsewhere, and dreams of remembering what's it like to want to be better at what I am doing.

Personally, I could not be happier at this time in my life. Jason and I just moved into our new apartment in Jamaica Plain. We have the whole "domesticity thing" to experience together and a new place to explore. Every day I learn how to communicate better with him and love him more and more for it. I have yet to get sick of his company or to tire of talking with him. My family is well, I see them as much as I can and want to. My creativity is cresting - I've been painting, sewing, writing letters. I have some great friends and fun acquaintences.

Professionally, I'm going no where. The half hearted attempts I have made for more work were "corporate speaked" away by my boss, who also made a half hearted attempt to give me more work. I do not try to create new supplemental products, I do not try to redesign existing products without prompting. I often wonder, how long can meeting the status quo go on, both for me and for the company? It seems a disservice to me and to the position to not apply my talent and to waste their resources. All I can say to this is - I'm getting the job done and that does count for something.

Over the week-end I went on a much needed camping trip with Jason, my brother, his wife, and Jason's sister Angela up to Crawford Notch in NH. I explained these feelings to my brother and sister-in-law. My sister-in-law, ever the overly self motivated, go-getter type, suggested I seek out responsibilities or ways to do more that I would like to do. I thought about this as we went hiking, wondering if my slacker attitude was really keeping me unhappy. Finally I said to her, "One would have to care and be interested in their job to seek out ways to improve it. I do not have either of those feelings and can't muster up that motivation without them. An unhappy person does not go looking for more to do in an unhappy situation."

I take my job one day at a time. Perhaps because I am unhappy, I am a little too easy on myself, but if there are days I do nothing, I brush them off as "bad days." Because there are good days. Days where I make To Do Lists, check things off that list, and feel accomplished. There are days where I am engaged in a project I am working on, and thinking of how to improve or change or meet certain guidelines. Days of editing content, creating content; rare days I like my job.